Covet
by Lilyrose55
Summary: Covet. He should have known it would erupt.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** This is a 3-chapters fic. It references episodes from S12. _The slanted font indicates past occurences._

Hope you like it and hope you let me know :)

**Chapter 1:**

The curtain on the window flutters slightly. Even at night the air is damp and the breeze is scarce. She can't sleep. Instead she stares at the ceiling, at the flicker of cars' headlights that washes over it like tide. Sprawled on her bed with only a thin sheet as a cover over her t-shirt and panties, Olivia turns restlessly from side to side, her brain refuses to turn her thoughts off. Her mind, her whole body, is swept away back to that night. The night that had her and Elliot break all rules, the night that had the careful balance and the volatile barriers they built, sink down in its entirety.

It didn't take long from the moment something in her broke, when she needed to feel him after Sonya died and he was there seeking her too, to the day everything erupted. At that moment, when he appeared in that church, she could almost believe that maybe there was something out there after all, something that witnessed her soul break and her need for her partner, because suddenly there was Elliot, answering her need for him. Now, after everything, she thinks that if there is some kind of celestial force out there, it must hate her.

~~~eo~~~

_"Now you're making inventory of that?" Elliot asks, his eyes narrowing. His body visibly tenses along with the tone of his voice. She almost wants to back down although she's practically expected that type of reaction from him. _

_"All I'm saying is that it'd be nice if you let me in on something like that," she responds and her voice reflects the equal annoyance that stirs in her. All she wants is for him to let her in on things, because she backs him up anyway, and she'll gladly get in trouble to help him, but with the way he behaves he makes her cope with the shit without giving her the satisfaction of knowing that he wants her in it with him. And she's not sure, but maybe that's the core of the issue. _

_"Didn't wanna have you messed up with that too," he explains but she doesn't buy it, maybe she doesn't want to. _

_"It doesn't work like that and you know it," her voice is still not in the calm range._

_"Why? I asked you not to interfere, didn't I?" His hands are at his sides, and there's energy that radiates underneath Elliot's solid, almost rough, exterior. She looks at him, at his blue dress-shirt that fits over his brawny torso, his crewcut hair and his clean shaven face that stare at her. She's not sure why, but she feels like shaking him._

_"I tried not to, but I had to, Elliot, you keep pulling this bullshit and I keep getting trapped in it." Her voice is now entirely out of the calm zone. This argument isn't about the case anymore and she knows it. She started it._

_"What's that supposed to mean?" His eyes turn to blue icicles on her but she can see the heat that bubbles underneath it. _

_"I asked you not to do anything stupid," she tries a more relaxed tone, his eyes frighten her. "You said you knew how to handle it. Well, great job handling this, Elliot." Maybe she shouldn't have added that last part._

_"What's your problem?" He finally erupts. _

_"What's _my_ problem?" she practically yells now because he pisses her off and because she wants him to be familiarly mad like this; at least it's something she knows how to deal with. "I don't have one, you seem to cause enough problems to suffice for everyone else." It's not even what she tried to tell him in the first place, but if he's dragging her there, well…_

_"Shut up, the both of you!" Their Captain joins the yelling, stepping out of his office to find his detectives standing next to their joint desks, glaring at each other. He hasn't seen them like this in years. _

_The few other uniform and detectives that are at or near the bullpen pretend to mind their own business. _

_"Thanks, I'll remember that next time _you_ need me," Elliot mutters towards her, ignoring their Captain's order, but what else is new?_

_Need? So now he needs her? Isn't this what this whole argument is about, that he didn't need her and wanted the freedom to keep doing whatever he wanted to without letting her in? _

_"Great, Elliot, that's the exact kind of bull you need to pull right now," she says in a quieter tone, thinking about the times he's accused her of needing him. She knows she isn't playing fair too, because he stood by her with the whole Calvin saga when she didn't let him in on it too. And she's not playing fair because she's being all offensive now, and she's not even sure why. Maybe she's actually being defensive. This drives her crazy. The case is solved, in a way they solved it together, IAB wants to talk to her because of Elliot, but that's not new either. So what is it that bugs her so much that she's started this now? _

_"I pull BS? And what do you do? You know I'm right." Elliot's voice is gravelly and she almost wishes he'd yell at her again. He looks right into her, defiantly, and she feels as if he can read her, expose her, when even she herself isn't fully sure what goes on inside her. Why doesn't Cragen butt in again? She snaps her head at his direction but he just stands there, as if the fact that their tones are quieter is enough. _

_"You're wrong, and you still violated the restraining order, risking this whole case and now IAB are calling me in, probably wanting to know how much of it I knew." She has to get this argument back to the case, although she's pretty sure it's not his disobedience that got to her. _

_"We got him, didn't we? I wasn't completely wrong about him. And IAB…want me to pull every mistake you ever made?" Elliot's eyes are blue daggers and his voice twists them in her gut._

_"Just try," she juts her chin. _

_His fists clench and he takes a few steps toward her and he stands there, his stance is wide, towering over her, almost chest to chest with her, as if to intimidate her. "Well, fuck it," he puffs in her face, his lips emphasize each syllable for her, and finally she recognizes this kind of anger in him, it's not rigid anymore, she can see the explosion hovering there._

_"Fuck you!" She sputters, rolling every word in a calm voice, her head is tilted up to his face, her eyes piercing him back._

_It's like there's nothing around them, it's just them locked in this struggle, something she almost forgot they could do. It's been years. _

_"Elliot, go home, now!" Cragen finally decides to intervene, pulling Elliot by his sleeve. _

_Elliot steps back, his eyes locked on hers, and the heated look in them almost makes her shiver. She can't read what's in it, it feels like he hates her. She knows he doesn't, but it's something in that vicinity and she doesn't know why she's brought it out of him now, when their recent years have healed their bruised past, when they have fallen into a steady pace with each other. It's been comfortable. _

_The 'why' teases her, but then there's the 'how'; how come it took one argument to get them to this? Maybe he wasn't so cool after all about this kid accusing him of molestation? He acted too cock-sure about this entire case, even when she and everyone else kept warning him from making mistakes. He hadn't listened of course. And besides, since when does he take a 'personal day' during a case? Something was off, maybe Tucker's words got to him worse that she thought. She knew how that rat sonofabitch could make you feel. But she is off too, and she knows it. She practically made him snap though she's still not really sure why._

_Elliot disconnects his eyes from her, turns to their desks, grabs his jacket and she can hear his footsteps banging on the floor as he's leaving the bullpen. _

_"Olivia, back to work, we'll talk about this later." Cragen jerks her back to a bullpen that suddenly contains more than just Elliot. _

_She nods and turns back to her seat. Was it something in this case that made them jump at each other's throats like that? They've dealt with worse. Not every day Elliot is being accused of molestation and still, they've seen worse, and it's not the first time he acts on his own volition and she has to deal with the consequences, so it must be something else. She thinks about how she helped him, stepped back when he had asked her, stood by him with Cragen and Officer Nelson and everyone. How she was the one who called him at home when he didn't answer his cellphone to tell him about the ADA's deal, she's the one who had to listen to a smug Kathy who was obviously in bed with him. She's the one who had to tell his wife about the whole thing while he wouldn't even bother to pick up the goddamn phone when she called. She's the one who was left nauseous after hearing Kathy's breathy voice, trying her damnedest not to imagine what Elliot looked like in bed with her. _

_It feels as if this case is going to get complicated._

_~~~eo~~~_

Olivia stirs in bed, tossing away the sheet that covers her, trying to catch as much of the air that scantly flows through the window.

She can't explain what has taken over them that night. She tried to explain it to herself but she can't. Maybe it was the feelings that floated to the surface when Sonya died, maybe it was all the things between them that were kept in check for years and years and couldn't be bottled up anymore, maybe it was just pure lust that flared up inside them at the exact same time.

The thing is that for years they hardly ever touched each other. Whenever he did touch her it was always so brief that it was gone before she could register it. In over a decade, she could count on one hand the few times he really touched her. It was always during a life threatening situation or right after one. In those moments, she couldn't suppress what she felt, the security, the belonging, the hope. And she always had to tear herself out of his arms before her feelings crushed her, before she would lose her grip completely.

Maybe she finally did, because she loves him. So much. Too much.

She's in deep shit and she knows it. He already left her, the squad, and even before he did, she had figured that they wouldn't survive it, that they wouldn't be able to work together for much longer after this. She couldn't look at him without remembering, without wanting, needing. Once she had it, once she had Elliot's arms around her, his chest pressed against hers, his smell of cologne and masculinity swathing her, she couldn't go back. She's ashamed to admit it, but sometimes she thinks that beyond everything else, it's a thirst, a longing that only Elliot could satiate.

~~~eo~~~

"Thou shalt not covet thy partner", wasn't that what his priest said? He remembers sitting in church only a few days after the night that changed his life, spreading phony smiles around him, evading his wife's eyes, because that coveting thing - it was too late for him. And not only because of that night; it was a few years too late. He felt as if his priest, his God, knew exactly what he'd done and for how long he'd wanted it.

He didn't even bother to take the wedding ring off his finger when he fucked his partner.

Maybe his God knows that he doesn't fully regret it, not even now, after everything that has happened since.

For years he has walked around feeling like an asshole. He went home every night to his wife and kids, and Olivia went home alone. He knew she wasn't really dating and somewhere deep inside he also knew that it was because of him. He wanted her to be happy, he did, he still does, but he couldn't help feeling that he didn't want to lose his spot as the most important man in her life. He kept her on the back burner.

Covet. He should have known it would erupt.

And now, now Elliot sits on the front porch in the middle of the night, holding a beer bottle, running his hand over the stubble on his jaw, a few days worth of stubble because he has no reason to shave daily anymore.

_**TBC**_


	2. Chapter 2

_She lets him in quietly. No 'Hi', no 'Hello' from any of them. She opens the door and they look at each other and she just steps aside to allow him to walk past her. The door is closing behind him and she turns to look at him. _

_"What are you doing here?" she asks. His eyes still scare her. They're not icy or heated anymore, their blue is dark and deep. _

_"What the fuck was that about today?" he snarls. She notices that he's changed his work clothes to jeans and pullover. So he went home and then drove all the way back to Manhattan just to step all over her? _

_"I could ask you the exact same thing," she says, facing him, returning the glare he has fixed on her. _

_"No, you can't. You started it." _

_"I started it? What are you, ten?" she raises an eyebrow in mockery. _

_"Yeah, you did. What's bothering you, Olivia?" He advances a few steps towards her, but it's his tone and glower that corner her. "Wanna tell me since when you keep track of my fuck-ups?"_

_"I don't keep track, I only asked you…" she starts but he interjects._

_"Sure seems like it. I don't keep track of yours, I thought we don't do that." Elliot takes another step and he's close now. She can see the pulse in his neck, the scar on his chin, she can smell him. _

_"We don't," she can hear her own gulp that makes her stumble on those two words._

_"Then what is it?" Elliot gestures with his head, daring her, his chin briefly juts towards her. _

_"If you want me to back you up…"she starts and he stops her again and she hates him right now._

_"Don't give me that, that's not what this is about," he says in a rough tone and his eyes, that were dark the moment he walked through the door, turn darker now and his presence is overbearing. "So why don't you tell me what this is really about, Liv?" he continues in a gravelly voice that makes her stomach drop, from the vibration of it and from the challenge in his words. _

_"It's _exactly_ about that," she tries, though she's not even convincing herself._

_"The hell it is." His upper lip slightly curls up and she knows he can be an asshole like that, but it's been a long time since this was directed at her. She really hates him right now._

_"You know what? I don't have to put up with that. Why did you come here for? To fight with me over this again?" she then replies and her words and her anger build a temporary shield around her._

_"You don't have to put up with anything," his voice drops an octave, "but don't expect me to put up with the bullshit you try to sell me as an excuse to all that bickering." _

_"Just fuck off, Elliot," she spits and her hand gestures towards the door, and she means it, he's finally pissed her off, she doesn't have to take this shit from him._

_In the beat that passes she can sense and visibly see the anger and that energy inside him that radiates heat towards her. It should scare her. Only it doesn't. _

_"Fuck off? You really want me to fuck off, Liv? You really want me to get the fuck out of here?" he pronounces the repeating word in a way that doesn't leave any room for misinterpretation. He's exposing her, he knows something that even she hardly understands or willing to admit, and she hates him so much right now. _

_"Yes, fuck the hell off, Elliot," she raises her voice and her palms rise to flatten on his chest and she's shoving him._

_He grabs her wrists, and with him her natural instincts give way and she doesn't really know what's going on when he pulls her to him and crashes his mouth on hers. _

~~~eo~~~

Sighing, Olivia gets out of bed and walks over to the window. She tries to take a deep breath but the knot in her throat doesn't allow her to fill her lungs to the brim.

They tried getting back to normal but they failed miserably. Even if it wasn't evident to anyone else, it was enough that Elliot and she knew it. And then their punishment came so soon after. She thinks that maybe there is something up there, some guiding force, and if there is, that thing hates her. It hates her, because when she saw the look on Elliot's face after he shot Jenna, she realized immediately what he was thinking. He thought that this was his punishment, and then he made sure to share it with her by cutting her off completely.

~~~eo~~~

_"You're drunk." She snaps her head to the side, avoiding his mouth. There isn't a shred of alcohol in his breath but that's her only explanation._

_"No, I'm not," he growls and his mouth finds hers again. Her hair slaps their faces with the rough motion and her wrists are still held by him. It's a second too late to resist now, because Elliot's lips are already on hers and the wetness of his mouth is rooting her to the taste of him. Her eyes close by themselves and she feels his tongue that grazes her lips, wetting them, and her mouth opens to him, and before she knows it, Elliot's mouth is devouring her, his tongue penetrates her and hers responds, tasting him right back. _

_Her knees are watery and she can feel his hands releasing her wrists because he doesn't have to hold her in place anymore. One of his arms encircles her waist, pressing her body to his, and her head is nestled in Elliot's other palm, as he's melding her mouth to his. _

_She's drowning. She's drowning in it all, in his taste and his smell and his strength and in the way her body hums with yearn that is pooling and throbbing between her legs when Elliot slides his palm down her neck to her chest. Her own hands grab his shirt, one fists it at his waist and the other at his shoulder. She can feel his warm skin and his solid flesh through the fabric. _

_Elliot doesn't waste time, his palm closes on her left breast, pressing it first and then kneading it as he kisses her, his thumb rubs her hardened nipple through the cotton. He fills her with his touch, his heat, his presence. She can hear the moan escaping her throat into his mouth._

~~~eo~~~

She returns to bed and just lays awake, and despite everything that has happened since, she fears the persisting crave to have him with her again. Despite the torment of her thoughts, her body, her goddamn soul, crave to feel him close, answering with his body the heat created in her when she remembers what that body felt like and how it moved on top of hers, and the look on his face when he came inside her. She still throbs with the thought that _Elliot_, with everything that he was and wasn't to her, was _inside her,_ his mouth craving hers, sliding over her body, savoring her, his eyes looking at her glazed with arousal _she_ put there.

She feels like banging her head against the wall in an effort to grasp what she has done, to grasp that this is the same man that for over a decade she spent most of her time with. She cannot remember the number of coffees and nights and stakeouts they shared, the number of cases they handled, the number of dead bodies or bruised victims they dealt with.

"I'm the longest relationship you've ever had with a man" he once told her and while it pained her, she was also twistedly glad to crown him that. She has seen him in so many situations as a cop, a father, a husband, a raging bull, a protective partner, a cocky asshole, a good friend. She had only imagined him as a lover, and in that one night he kept whispering and groaning her name.

~~~eo~~~

_He walks her back and she doesn't resist, she's lost it all to him, to this. She knows that she's moving but she can't feel her feet, she can't feel anything that is not touched by him. Elliot teases her lips, he tugs at them, he pulls her upper lip in between his, he slides his tongue into her mouth, he slides his mouth over her chin and jaw, he kisses her ear, she can hear the wet sound of his hot breath , she can feel his hand on her back and the other moving between her breasts. _

_She must have been walking backwards because the back of her knees hit something and she opens her eyes just the slightest bit and it's dark, and when Elliot leans his weight in, she falls on her own bed and he's on top of her._

~~~eo~~~

_"You know you want to bang your partner,"_ that sperm-spreading pervert told him and deep inside he knew he was right. While he was answering him and telling him that he was a sick sonofabitch, he couldn't help thinking that there must be something inside him that was sending corrupted signals that fuckers like Ken Turner could decode, because he wasn't the first perp that made him feel like he was one of their own. Gordon Rickett and Ray Schenkel certainly crowned him as such, but even little shits like Turner and Maggie Peterson could spot him. "_You try to be nice, normal. But there is a part of you that will never be that guy," _Maggie told him, and already back then it bugged him to know what she saw in him that made her say that.

She was right. He's not nice, he's not normal, and he _did_ try to be both. But then he fucked his partner and then he shot a kid.

Now Elliot puts the empty beer bottle down, at the foot of the porch bench, and rubs his face and head with both his palms. His life is something that he looks at from a distance and doesn't recognize the outlines of it.

**TBC**

**A/N: **sorry for the shorter chapter, but the next one will be longer. Will post next week.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Thanks you for the lovely reviews! Some of you post them as guests and I can't reply to you and thank you personally, so here :)

**Chapter 3:**

_She gasps at the feeling of his solid mass of muscle that presses her into the mattress. His hips spread her legs and she can feel his erection through his jeans pushed against her. Her body thrusts up and Elliot shifts to press his hard-on against her core and she moans into his mouth, because even through the layers of clothes that divide them, she can feel him hard and large against her. She bucks into him and he grinds against her as his hands slide under her shirt. She isn't wearing a bra because she changed when she got home and so she took it off. He groans when his palms land on her exposed breasts. Eagerly, he pushes her shirt up and his mouth finds her left breast first. He sucks in her nipple, swiping his tongue around it, while his hand rubs her other breast. She presses his head to her with one hand, while her other slides up his broad back, dragging his shirt up. _

_When Elliot feels his shirt at his shoulders, he pulls up just enough to take it off and now she has Elliot's bare torso to devour. The heat and smell of his skin are making her lightheaded. Her mouth and hands feverishly find his chest and shoulders first, and she makes him grunt when she half rises and pushes him to roll on his back so she can have free access to the hard plains of him. Elliot holds her and turns, using the motion to pull her shirt completely off. Her breasts press against his chest and she slides her tongue down his neck to his clavicle, and then to his chest, her hands preceding her mouth, and they slide down to the taut muscles of his abdomen. She spreads her legs over him so that the bulge in his jeans is pressed to her in an angle that makes her increasing wetness seep through the fabric of her panties. Elliot's hands caress her bare back and slope down to her ass. He shoves his hands into her pants and panties and his palms connect with the heated skin of her backside. He presses her down on his hardness and this is all so close to how she really needs him, that she mumbles his name and god's. _

_And as if he's had enough of games Elliot cups her face and brings her mouth back to his, and he hooks his fingers to the waistband of her lounge pants and slides them down her thighs, and when they're half way through he turns them around and he's on top of her again as she's kicking her pants off. _

_She doesn't think. She doesn't think about how she's laying under her shirtless partner, her married shirtless partner, in her panties only. She doesn't think when her fingers unbutton and unzip him and push into the open front of his jeans to grab and revel in the sensation of his pulsating hard-on in her hand. She doesn't think when Elliot groans her name and draws his fingers along the wet front of her panties and when his fingers slide under the fabric and into her slick folds. She doesn't think; she moans and she feels and she gives in._

_Her panties are gone and so are his jeans and boxers. Their hands are roaming, touching, and their mouths taste and kiss exposed skin and heated flesh. The sounds of their breaths fill the angles their movements create between their limbs. His mouth finds hers and her nails graze Elliot's broad shoulders and chest. He's leaning on his forearms and the muscles of his biceps are flexed under her palms. He then breaks their kiss and stills for a moment. Her eyes open to find that his are too, and they gaze at each other for a long moment in the dim light that comes in from the living room, until he lowers his head to kiss her again. They kiss deep and long and when he pushes into her, a moan from the back of her throat reverberates in the room and echoes his silent one. His body fits against hers and he pushes deeper into her, as her inner thighs press his hips and her body wraps around him. _

_Elliot licks his way along her jawline as he starts moving inside of her. She feels his quickened breaths in her ear, his tongue teases her lobe and slides underneath it. Her hands grasp him, her mouth savors the broad slope between his neck and shoulder. _

_Elliot thrusts are harder and deeper and he slides his hand down the side of her body, running it up and down over the soft flesh of her hip and kneads the soft angle that her waist and thigh create. His hold of her gives him leverage to sink deeper into her with every thrust and she hears him whisper her name. His hand slips between them and his fingers find the heated, throbbing nub of her core. Agonizing pleasure washes over her when he rubs and swipes and soaks his fingers on her, while slamming himself again and again and again into her, stretching and filling her. _

_"Ungh, Elliot," Olivia moans and it's incoherent and he continues. "El," she mumbles into his mouth as her thighs press harder and higher up over his hips and her lower belly flutters and her inner muscles start clenching around him. _

_"God, Olivia," she thinks she hears him growl, but she's not sure, because all her senses are focused on tactile and taste. She tastes Elliot's mouth, her hands stroke and her fingernails graze his back and shoulders as he thrusts and thrusts into her, his fingers rubbing her wetness._

_She cries out his name when she comes, clamping around his hardness that's buried deep inside her. "Liv," Elliot groans in her ear as he pushes into her contracting slickness a few more times and she feels his body tensing above her. She cups his face and kisses him and watches him as he comes inside her. She feels the force of his release coursing through his body when he empties himself inside her. _

~~~eo~~~

They fucked.

She wishes she could use a more subtle term to describe what happened, but if she has to be really honest with herself, the exact term would be that she and Elliot Stabler fucked. It was satisfying hunger and anger and lust and need. He pounded deep and hard inside her and it pleased her and hurt her at the same time. And she didn't want him to stop. Ever.

When Elliot's lips crashed down on hers and the shock of the first taste took over them, when frantic hands were sent to discard shirts and pants, when eager mouths and fingers savored newly exposed skin, she didn't think about anything but that, anything but him.

Pressed beneath him, the heat of his body searing through her, she stroked every ridge of his strong and taut body, her hands roaming and feeling, trying to catch whatever she could of him, of the moment, tasting him, his skin, his sweat, his mouth. She didn't want it to end.

And then she came. And all she wanted to do once she returned to her senses, after Elliot came inside of her, was to fall into an obliviating sleep, void of any aftermath. She didn't want to gain back the ability to think, because she knew what would ensue. And she didn't want to be around when he would realize what he had done.

~~~eo~~~

_Elliot's breath is slowing down along with hers and he pulls out of her body when he rolls to lie on his back, dragging her with him and her head falls to rest on his shoulder. The only sound is their still labored breaths and the only sensation is his body and arms that enfold her. They're both quiet and his fingers start a lazy circular rhythm on her arm and she expects that in any moment he'd say something or get up and leave. But he doesn't. The gentle touch, along with his warmth and the steadying beat of his heart, pacify her and she closes her eyes. _

_When she opens them again, she's ashamed to admit that despite everything, she must have dozed off__. She jolts out of her post-orgasmic slumber, and it takes her a few seconds to gain full consciousness and realize where she is and who she's with. She wakes up to find him still there, sleeping too. _

_The darkness of the room envelopes their naked bodies, her head that rests on Elliot's shoulder, her arm that is splayed across his chest, his arm that circles her shoulder. It temporarily conceals the looming consequences, the regret, the need. _

_"Elliot," she whispers, rising to lean on her elbow, somewhat distancing her body from his. _

_"El," she voices his name louder when he doesn't stir._

_"Yeah," he answers, opening his eyes and looking at her, still sleepy and a bit confused. She almost wants to laugh at the surreal comfort they've immersed in._

_She rolls to lie on her back, pulling the comforter over herself. Elliot remains next to her for a moment before he sits up and she can see his broad back as he bends his head and rubs his neck for a moment. Then, still sitting at the edge of the bed, he starts picking up his cloths from the floor. She doesn't look at him when he stands up and gets dressed, but she hears the rustle of his jeans as he pulls them on. _

_He's going to sleep in the crib, she thinks, he's not going home like that. _

_She is right. He will go to the crib, take a quick shower there and try to force sleep to save him on one of the bunk beds. _

_But when he is dressed, still in her room, she hears the jingle of his car keys and sees the obtrusive light of his cellphone screen when he accidentally pushes one of the keys, and her heart slams in her chest because they still haven't said a word to each other. _

_When he's ready, Elliot sits back on the mattress edge, next to her. He leans towards her and her throat tightens. Their eyes lock together and he reaches his hand and starts stroking her hair and her face. He then leans further in and kisses her forehead first and then her lips. _

_"Bye, Liv," he half whispers, his face still close to hers and she can't read the expression on it._

_"Bye, El," she replies when he straightens back up. _

_He lingers for a few beats before he turns and quits her room and she hears the front door closing behind him. _

_A few minutes later she gets up and locks the front door, then returns to her bedroom. She sits on the edge of the rumpled bed, where Elliot has sat just a few minutes before and she isn't sure if she's surprised or disappointed to realize that they were so tender, so calm, almost too comfortable, as if he hasn't just been inside of her, as if he hasn't just cheated on his wife with her. And more than anything, this scares her. _

_She lets her body slump back on the covers. Is she so desperate from losing everything and everyone, from owning nothing and no one, that she was so willingly able to do this? Hasn't she spent her entire life protecting families, protecting something she craved and has never really known? Putting aside the psychological bullshit, how could she make him betray his family like that? _

_How can she still miss him right now? _

~~~eo~~~

He leans back on the wooden bench and contemplates another beer, and he's not sure if he's started hearing voices or was it a dream or something else, but he's pretty sure he could practically hear God's voice the other day, a few weeks after he and Olivia had erupted. He was leaving the IAB offices, after being interrogated again for shooting Jenna Fox. He doesn't know what God sounds like, so it must have been embodied in his family priest's voice. He could hear it while he drove back home. '_For your penance, Elliot, you will lose what is dear to you. For your penance, Elliot, you will lose your career and your partner. For you penance, Elliot, you will carry for life the guilt for taking the life a young girl. For your penance, Elliot, you will be severed from your other half and leave her hurt and pained and guilty. For your penance, Elliot, you will pray not to lose the rest of it. _

Well, losing more than that would kill him. Sometimes he feels like he's dead anyway.

~~~eo~~~

Olivia switches the bedside light on and off, on and off. Her head hurts and her heart pounds or maybe it's the other way around, she isn't sure. They didn't talk about it afterwards, but their eyes said it all and it was impossible to deny that his reflected hers, which made it all the more unbearable, because she could plainly see everything that she felt mirrored in the blue eyes.

She remembers that day, shortly after they caught Jenna's mother's case, when Kathy arrived to the precinct during a run of errands in the city. She smiled at her from afar, making sure not to go anywhere near her and Elliot, as they were standing at the side entrance of the bullpen. Kathy ran her hand over Elliot's left arm as she took leave, and the constant knot in Olivia's stomach tightened. Her heart jumped to her throat when she saw Elliot leaning in and kissing his wife briefly on the lips. A split second before he turned to get back to his seat opposite hers, she had found a reason to go to the filing room to avoid him and seek the remnants of her self-worth.

Olivia turns on the side light again and the stuffy air reminds her how this room smelled of sex and how she smelled of Elliot. Sometimes, even after all these months, she can still smell him. She turns the light off and thinks that while she didn't get her happy ending, she's never really believed in that shit anyway. Maybe she doesn't deserve one, because she'll always have this stain on her, of sleeping with Kathy Stabler's husband.

**-Finis -**

**A/N: **Don't hate me. I had to experiment with that kind of ending once, to challenge myself as a writer. If you need me to mend your heart, read "Footsteps" and "The Unforgettable Fire" :) Plus, I will be posting another fic soon, hope you'll still love me and read it, cause EO is forever my OTP :)


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